Snow way

I was so excited to do stuff this weekend. I had a list written out (mentally) and I just gotten paid so I could buy the supplies I need to craft my brains out. Friday couldn't have come faster.
THEN..Happy hour with co-workers turns into dinner with co-workers which turns into a metal show with the BF at Union Pool.
You know when you're drunk and you go sleep and you're like, "it's only 2:30 I'm gonna be SO productive tomorrow (hiccup or burp or both). Yeah"
Then you wake up and you look like Ke$ha...
...and even worse you FEEL like Ke$ha looks in this photo.
Plus it snowed! Nothing makes me want to stay under the covers up to my eyes like seeing how cold it looks outside.
A girl's gotta eat though so I did have to eventually leave the house...Chloe came with. She doesn't like the snow...So I was like, "how are you gonna let it know you don't like it?" and she did this..
DANNGGGG...She bad.
Andd the rest of my day pretty much looked like this..What you can't see is the crushed up extra strength Tylenol I sprinkled in my salsa...mmm, Snow Way I'm leaving the house when I have my friends chips and salsa around.
Next weekend I'll do stuff.

Burger It Up!

Ahhh Sunday...what a good day. My birthday was last week so I had a little get together at my apartment Saturday night. We drank, we ate, we were Merry. I was TOTALLY Merry by the end of the night so Sunday morning was a little rough.
As much as I wanted to lay around staring at the ceiling and trying not to barf I had an out-of-town guest who wanted to "take advantage of this beautiful day!" ...bitch.
So my friend and I take her to my fav vintage spot, let her loose and find a seat where the room isn't spinning. My nausea subsided and we headed over to Shops At The Loom, a great assortment of shops, bakeries, yoga studio/store and a cute cafe. I'll do a post about that later. This post is about my Sunday Savior "Burger it Up!"
Nothing says "cure my hangover" like Burgers/fries/sangria? Yeah, Sangria!
We take one look at the menu and can tell we're going to like it, not only do they have an interesting assortment of special burgers (Chimichurri, Vegi, Turkey) but they have the classics (classic burger and hot dogs)Nothing says "this is amazing" like spelling out your punctuation and then slapping some exclamation marks on it.
Doesn't that look bomb.com/itcomeswithpickles
Loved the finishing touches to all the meals like you can choose between spicy or regular pickles, and seasoned or regular fries. Plus my hot dog was AWESOME.
So the next time you're roaming around Knickerbocker in search for greasy but great food, waddle over to Burger it up! Not only do they love exclamation points but you'll feel full of love and friendship after eating there.
Afterward I drove us all home in my new car...her name's Ulga.
Happy hangovers!

Defeating your enemy

Thanksgiving is over and because all I did was sleep until noon for 4 days I found it hard to go to sleep at a decent hour last night. I got 4 hours of sleep and for some reason I decided to wear super high-wedges to work today, a comfortable choice when it comes to height-enhancing foot wear but a less comfortable choice when compared to ohlet'ssay...my bedazzled keds?

So I'm swaying back and forth from the naussia of being awake before 1pm and I'm not even on the train yet. The train comes, I enter, and immediately I have eagle eye on anyone who remotely adjusts themselves in their seat.
INEEDTOSIT.
As a person who has fainted on the train due to a medication malfunction, (not my fault) I appreciate an available seat when feeling hot. And because of global warming and my refusal to acknowledge it's 65 and sunny I'm constantly a sweaty monster on the prowl for ass space.
Here's how to defeat your enemy (otherpeople).

1. You already have a leg up if you're a girl. Women are on the same page as disabled people as far as who deserves a seat so sorry if you're a man, you better just get used to standing. When in doubt, stick it out, people love giving up their seats to baby mamas.
2. Size up your competition, there are a few things that can help you judge how hard to push someone out of the way. Are they old enough to be called grandma? Do they look like they deserve a seat more than you? Let me explain further.
Today I had one other person to compete with for a seat, I concluded the following:
a. Her name is Sarah, giving her a plain name helped me feel superior to her because unlike Sarah, my name is spelled the same forwards and backwards, (it's racecar).
b. She has a weird hair braid that made it look like a child had done her hair, pretty sure she did it herself though. My hair was pretty on point today so I felt good about my chances to beat her at almost anything.

onpoint
c. She's wearing Flats and I can see her "PERFECT FIT FOR FLATS!" socks sticking out. I am an amazon in my 5" jumbo clonkers and I painted the 3 toes that stick out, tricking my enemy into believing I have a fresh pedi on. Strike three biatch there's no way you're getting this seat.
Back to the numbers game...
3. Stake out your target, A husband and wife in business outfits rarely get off at the same stop, so when one kisses the other on the cheek, get ready. Don't be fooled by the woman who looks out the window at every f@*%ing stop, she's not getting off until the last stop she's just confused.
4. Angle yourself so that the person getting up has to pass by your opponent. The more extreme adjusting they have to do the better, it makes them feel awkward and unworthy of sitting.

Bottom line, Sarah was standing.
Another day another duel.

Tandem Bike Rides

I wish...I would kill for a Tandem bike, just think about all the envious looks from hipsters wishing they had tandem bikes, but they don't, I do. Me and my imaginary friend Tammy would ride all up on a bitch.
Maybe that was weird, let's get to the point. Tandem. A lovely little bar/restaurant/dance hall in my Neighborhood. In past trips I've gone for brunch and ordered one or 3 of their AMAZING spicy Bloody Marys. They're almost a meal all by themselves with how hearty and delicious they are. Plus who doesn't like walking out of brunch feeling confused about the ratio of drunkeness to daylight? I know I don't.
They also make a mean biscuit, which they were out of the last time I graced them with my hungover presence. I shed a tear as I sat and ate my Frittata and kale salad disappointed with my decision to walk 4 blocks for a biscuit free breakfast...

BUT..what was to to appear before me in it's golden buttery flakey goodness?
AMOTHAFUCKIN BISCUIT.

Molly, our server, who may have been drinking (wasforsurewasted) surprised me at the last minute! I almost peed my pants when she yelled surprise! Mostly because I was scared out of my granny panties, she yelled it pretty loud. But after the shock and embarrassment of wizzing myself wore off I was super happy. My poor pickled body came alive with every bite and I felt more and more revived.
Not only do they have killer brunch and server's with personalities but they also have a kick-ass happy hour. You know how much I like $2 PBR's so it's no surprise that I love this place (because they have them, get it?)
It's super hipster to write your menu on a chalk board because it shows your customers you can change their shit around at any time. Keeps us in line.
Check back for a night review because they have a sweet as-heck dance room in the back that may or may not have a disco ball.

Halloweener (self hi-five)

I should have done a "How to Bushwick-up your Halloween" but I got busy sleeping and buying a couch.
So I'll do a wrap up! "oh yeah?" you say, "YEAH" I say, super serious like why would you need to confirm that?

I'll start with my fav little bitch in the whole world. You might have been wondering, "is she still alive?" yeah, she is. IT'S CHLOE!!!!
This is hipster because I bought it at Good Will and Chloe is a one-eyed horse which is super abstract and emo. With this costume she's saying, "I'm too cool to dress like a princess but still want the glitz and glamor in my presence."
Next is Someone I don't know but I'm jealous I didn't think of this...Halloween always leaves me with feelings of regret when I look on the Facebook and see a costume I want to be, but if I decide to copy them they'll look at my Facebook and be like, "Copy cat".Ever think of getting hugged from a mustache? Because your dreams just became a reality. A totally creepy hipster reality.
Another Hipster Halloween Move is to go in Drag...Which is what I decided to do...
JK that's not me, but this guy is my hero, If I looked that good in a pair of high-waisted khaki's you can bet your tiger chest tattoo I'd be Mr. Farah Fawcett every year.
Here's me for real...Height difference aside I think we make a pretty sweet looking Wayne and Garth. And all it took was some thrift store diving and a last minute hair cut! You don't like it? HAHA, man I got you, it's just a wig. My boyfriend Jon thought of this one because who doesn't love it when their girlfriend dresses like a lesbian?
...Happy Halloween!

Aint no Party like a Bed Bug Party

...Cuz a Bed BUG PARTY DON'T STOP!
Now Bed Bugs aren't usually the kind of thing you scream from the roof top, because they're gross and they're in your bed while you sleep...EWWW just thinking about it makes me itch. I want to inform the masses of what getting bed bugs is like for the average brooklynaire so here's my life as a BBS (bed bug survivor).

1. I didn't get bites (because I have super strong skin...TRUTH) my roomy did, sorry K you're skin isn't as strong as mine. Bites are just itchy and red and can literally look like any type of bug bite.

2. We found out our neighbor had them which allowed us to call and make our landlord take IMMEDIATE action. I strongly suggest finding anyone to blame but yourself not only does it make you feel better about it, but your wallet will be so in love you'll need to get a restraining order. You hear me wallet you stay away.

3. When the exterminator says bag everything up, he means EVERYTHING. I didn't know this. I bagged up soft things like blankets and my Beanie Baby collection, haha, just kidding I don't have that (yesidoandi'llmakemillions) So the exterminator shows up and is like, "senorita, when I say bag everything, I mean EVARRRYTHING." (it's hard to spell a spanish accent but say it with an accent when you read it allowed to your friends.) This led to me frantically stuffing everything I own in plastic bags.
The plastic bags suffocate the little chompers and you have to keep your shit in a bag for 5 days (at least).

4. Another thing that can kill them is heat so I bagged up everything I could wash and headed to my favorite local hot spot for some good ol' washin and dryin. Tip: The owners of the laundromat will want to stop you from putting your clothes in the dryer for 2 hours on high. They're afraid you'll ruin your clothes and blame them. To make them stop yelling at you in Chinese calmly whisper "I have beg bugs, I need to kill them" to their English speaking son. He will then frantically translate this to his parents and they'll slowly back away shaking their heads until they dart away at a full sprint screaming "NOOOO". Nobody wants to hangout with a bed bugged bitch. I also suggest telling creepy guys at bars, they'll slowly back away shaking their heads until they dart away at a full sprint screaming "NOOOO". (too good to be said just once)

5. After the nice man with the spray comes and you sleep on an bare mattress for 5 days shivering bc your jammies are bagged away and you can't remember which unmarked bag their in, you're CURED!...maybe not, some peeps need to get sprayed again, we don't thank god, either that or we've just learned to live them and K's developed my alligator like skin.

No photos this time...it's for your own good.

I went to the Gym

Sorry Blog, I didn't mean to ignore you for so long but a beez gets busy every once in a while. (it's not once AND a while is it?) Google?
So while I was off flying around the united states and staying in fancy smancy hotels (seriously you should see my stolen slipper collection/how many little toiletries I have...
It's a lot.
ANYWAYS, A lot's happened in my life this past month I can't wait to share some of the stories (face Tatt0o?) but for now I'll tell you about my trip to the gym. As most of you know I enjoy a good half hour to an hour of not exercising so when I go to the G-Y-M I need to make it count. So I wore my fancy new NIKE (namedropper) gear and headed straight to the tread-mills. They were too crowded, which means there wasn't one available all by itself in an empty room which is how I prefer to sweat while my ladies (boobs) hurt from gravity. fuckin gravity. So I'm like, "hey! I'll sit and peddle, that'll be easy I bet I can do that for HOURS!"
..7 mintues later I trick myself into thinking I'm in Yoga class shape.
I'd like to say something about men who are super good at yoga. You're creepy. I'm never in my yoga class and saying "Wow look at the position that guy got his leg into...his knee is touching his forehead while he's balancing on one arm! I HEAR WEDDING BELLS!"Gross, a LEAN MEAN YOGA MACHI- nope, doesn't work, you're limber like a lady and I ain't into that. And sorry if there are women who are, you might be a lady liker...just think about it you might realize something about yourself.
Moral: I should go to the gym/write this blog more. It benefits everyone. Because the better I look, the better I look, and the better I look, the famouser (notaword) I'll be.