Defeating your enemy

Thanksgiving is over and because all I did was sleep until noon for 4 days I found it hard to go to sleep at a decent hour last night. I got 4 hours of sleep and for some reason I decided to wear super high-wedges to work today, a comfortable choice when it comes to height-enhancing foot wear but a less comfortable choice when compared to ohlet'ssay...my bedazzled keds?

So I'm swaying back and forth from the naussia of being awake before 1pm and I'm not even on the train yet. The train comes, I enter, and immediately I have eagle eye on anyone who remotely adjusts themselves in their seat.
INEEDTOSIT.
As a person who has fainted on the train due to a medication malfunction, (not my fault) I appreciate an available seat when feeling hot. And because of global warming and my refusal to acknowledge it's 65 and sunny I'm constantly a sweaty monster on the prowl for ass space.
Here's how to defeat your enemy (otherpeople).

1. You already have a leg up if you're a girl. Women are on the same page as disabled people as far as who deserves a seat so sorry if you're a man, you better just get used to standing. When in doubt, stick it out, people love giving up their seats to baby mamas.
2. Size up your competition, there are a few things that can help you judge how hard to push someone out of the way. Are they old enough to be called grandma? Do they look like they deserve a seat more than you? Let me explain further.
Today I had one other person to compete with for a seat, I concluded the following:
a. Her name is Sarah, giving her a plain name helped me feel superior to her because unlike Sarah, my name is spelled the same forwards and backwards, (it's racecar).
b. She has a weird hair braid that made it look like a child had done her hair, pretty sure she did it herself though. My hair was pretty on point today so I felt good about my chances to beat her at almost anything.

onpoint
c. She's wearing Flats and I can see her "PERFECT FIT FOR FLATS!" socks sticking out. I am an amazon in my 5" jumbo clonkers and I painted the 3 toes that stick out, tricking my enemy into believing I have a fresh pedi on. Strike three biatch there's no way you're getting this seat.
Back to the numbers game...
3. Stake out your target, A husband and wife in business outfits rarely get off at the same stop, so when one kisses the other on the cheek, get ready. Don't be fooled by the woman who looks out the window at every f@*%ing stop, she's not getting off until the last stop she's just confused.
4. Angle yourself so that the person getting up has to pass by your opponent. The more extreme adjusting they have to do the better, it makes them feel awkward and unworthy of sitting.

Bottom line, Sarah was standing.
Another day another duel.

Tandem Bike Rides

I wish...I would kill for a Tandem bike, just think about all the envious looks from hipsters wishing they had tandem bikes, but they don't, I do. Me and my imaginary friend Tammy would ride all up on a bitch.
Maybe that was weird, let's get to the point. Tandem. A lovely little bar/restaurant/dance hall in my Neighborhood. In past trips I've gone for brunch and ordered one or 3 of their AMAZING spicy Bloody Marys. They're almost a meal all by themselves with how hearty and delicious they are. Plus who doesn't like walking out of brunch feeling confused about the ratio of drunkeness to daylight? I know I don't.
They also make a mean biscuit, which they were out of the last time I graced them with my hungover presence. I shed a tear as I sat and ate my Frittata and kale salad disappointed with my decision to walk 4 blocks for a biscuit free breakfast...

BUT..what was to to appear before me in it's golden buttery flakey goodness?
AMOTHAFUCKIN BISCUIT.

Molly, our server, who may have been drinking (wasforsurewasted) surprised me at the last minute! I almost peed my pants when she yelled surprise! Mostly because I was scared out of my granny panties, she yelled it pretty loud. But after the shock and embarrassment of wizzing myself wore off I was super happy. My poor pickled body came alive with every bite and I felt more and more revived.
Not only do they have killer brunch and server's with personalities but they also have a kick-ass happy hour. You know how much I like $2 PBR's so it's no surprise that I love this place (because they have them, get it?)
It's super hipster to write your menu on a chalk board because it shows your customers you can change their shit around at any time. Keeps us in line.
Check back for a night review because they have a sweet as-heck dance room in the back that may or may not have a disco ball.

Halloweener (self hi-five)

I should have done a "How to Bushwick-up your Halloween" but I got busy sleeping and buying a couch.
So I'll do a wrap up! "oh yeah?" you say, "YEAH" I say, super serious like why would you need to confirm that?

I'll start with my fav little bitch in the whole world. You might have been wondering, "is she still alive?" yeah, she is. IT'S CHLOE!!!!
This is hipster because I bought it at Good Will and Chloe is a one-eyed horse which is super abstract and emo. With this costume she's saying, "I'm too cool to dress like a princess but still want the glitz and glamor in my presence."
Next is Someone I don't know but I'm jealous I didn't think of this...Halloween always leaves me with feelings of regret when I look on the Facebook and see a costume I want to be, but if I decide to copy them they'll look at my Facebook and be like, "Copy cat".Ever think of getting hugged from a mustache? Because your dreams just became a reality. A totally creepy hipster reality.
Another Hipster Halloween Move is to go in Drag...Which is what I decided to do...
JK that's not me, but this guy is my hero, If I looked that good in a pair of high-waisted khaki's you can bet your tiger chest tattoo I'd be Mr. Farah Fawcett every year.
Here's me for real...Height difference aside I think we make a pretty sweet looking Wayne and Garth. And all it took was some thrift store diving and a last minute hair cut! You don't like it? HAHA, man I got you, it's just a wig. My boyfriend Jon thought of this one because who doesn't love it when their girlfriend dresses like a lesbian?
...Happy Halloween!