Defeating your enemy

Thanksgiving is over and because all I did was sleep until noon for 4 days I found it hard to go to sleep at a decent hour last night. I got 4 hours of sleep and for some reason I decided to wear super high-wedges to work today, a comfortable choice when it comes to height-enhancing foot wear but a less comfortable choice when compared to ohlet'ssay...my bedazzled keds?

So I'm swaying back and forth from the naussia of being awake before 1pm and I'm not even on the train yet. The train comes, I enter, and immediately I have eagle eye on anyone who remotely adjusts themselves in their seat.
INEEDTOSIT.
As a person who has fainted on the train due to a medication malfunction, (not my fault) I appreciate an available seat when feeling hot. And because of global warming and my refusal to acknowledge it's 65 and sunny I'm constantly a sweaty monster on the prowl for ass space.
Here's how to defeat your enemy (otherpeople).

1. You already have a leg up if you're a girl. Women are on the same page as disabled people as far as who deserves a seat so sorry if you're a man, you better just get used to standing. When in doubt, stick it out, people love giving up their seats to baby mamas.
2. Size up your competition, there are a few things that can help you judge how hard to push someone out of the way. Are they old enough to be called grandma? Do they look like they deserve a seat more than you? Let me explain further.
Today I had one other person to compete with for a seat, I concluded the following:
a. Her name is Sarah, giving her a plain name helped me feel superior to her because unlike Sarah, my name is spelled the same forwards and backwards, (it's racecar).
b. She has a weird hair braid that made it look like a child had done her hair, pretty sure she did it herself though. My hair was pretty on point today so I felt good about my chances to beat her at almost anything.

onpoint
c. She's wearing Flats and I can see her "PERFECT FIT FOR FLATS!" socks sticking out. I am an amazon in my 5" jumbo clonkers and I painted the 3 toes that stick out, tricking my enemy into believing I have a fresh pedi on. Strike three biatch there's no way you're getting this seat.
Back to the numbers game...
3. Stake out your target, A husband and wife in business outfits rarely get off at the same stop, so when one kisses the other on the cheek, get ready. Don't be fooled by the woman who looks out the window at every f@*%ing stop, she's not getting off until the last stop she's just confused.
4. Angle yourself so that the person getting up has to pass by your opponent. The more extreme adjusting they have to do the better, it makes them feel awkward and unworthy of sitting.

Bottom line, Sarah was standing.
Another day another duel.